every dating apps personality and star sign
Is it you who compulsively deletes and redownloads dating apps depending on your level of loneliness/ horniness once a week, NO surely not I!!! That’s some other betch over there. But if that so happens to you know, maybe be you, hey hi feel free to slide into my DM’s (please). Now’s your chance to find out what your dating app preferences say about you and FINALLY understand what each app’s star sign is. (I asked my friend who reads extensive magazine birth charts okay hun to input her FLAIR knowledge and extraordinary niche intelligence and prowess into this, so you can actually trust what these star signs say as actual probable, real fact okie sweetie!).
The Sauce
You’ve definitely spent way too much time on TikTok, and your weekly screen hours actually make you weep a little, but that’s okay because you’re the most fricking culturally clued in one in your group, so always know where the best happy hours are at, what olivia rodrigo’s latest sensational piece of work is and where the hell to get the best fried chicken (or fake chicken for your vegan friends who you begrudgingly cater for). You’re not really that keen on dating apps normally, much more an in person kinda dater but you’re hoping that video content might actually express a bit more personality than just some STALE ass photos. You’re all about that in person spark, so are willing to give apps a go until you can just go and snog someone in a club again.
Star sign: Leo, you’re comfortable in your own skin and fricking love the hot goss after a night out (you miss the club, damn)
Bumble
You’re an EMPOWERED wo-man, have grown out your armpit hair (although you’re still a little bit nervous about whether this is #chic or just unsanitary), Michelle Obama’s memoir Becoming is proudly displayed on your bookshelf and you may or may not harbour secret ambitions to be featured on Forbes 30 under 30 list, despite the fact you call the hustle and productivity of our generation really toxic! You drink exclusively oat milk cappuccinos, because you’ve finally given into your hereditary lactose intolerance and on the last date you went on, a guy mansplained toxic masculinity TO YOU. Eye roll eye roll eye rooooollll.
Star sign: Capricorn! OBVIOUSLY, literally bite me if you try and sit next to me on the tube in the MIDDLE of this pandemic we are in?!
Hinge
Here for a good time, not a long time. You downloaded Hinge at the start of the PANNY D and have had a couple of bang average video dates on here, including one where you sent each other different takeout meals and watched each other eat them awkwardly on zoom, but the meal you ate gave you violent food poisoning, so you’re still a bit triggered by any mention of dumplings tbh :/ You’ve managed to curate a selection of images that both encapsulate your deep need for instagram validation (aesthetic gallery openings, casual beachy film photos, and one with your dog for puppy points), plus a subtle topless pic but your Nan is in it, so it means it’s allowed and is actually quite wholesomec so, there.
Star sign: uhuh, it’s Aries, kinda just want to fall in love, but also like no worries if not.
Tinder
I’m literally just here for sex. It’s hot girl summer, what do you expect?? You’ve been single for over a year and haven’t felt the human touch of a full frontal hug in many moons? You’re slightly concerned that your virginity – even though it’s just a patriarchal construct – might have actually grown back, is that a thing? HeLp.
Star sign: Gemini, am frisky ok??
Feeld
You’re vanilla, very vanilla but the pandemic has given you a sense of young, wild and free that you weren’t anticipating. Some people have listed their “fetishes” on here, but you’re still a little embarrassed to, plus has anyone ever noticed that the word fetishes kinda sounds like lettuces but with a weird speech impediment?! So instead have just said you’re “open to exploring” and hope that’s enough for people to go one and get that you’d like to maybe have a threesome and be worshipped like the sex god/ goddess you wanna be.
Star sign: Pisces, has a lot of feelings but hopefully some meaningless sex will do away with all that!!
Grindr
Grindr is pretty much as vintage as it comes. You work in the art world as an intern, but refer to yourself as an “experiential artisté” because when you rearrange the stationery cupboard at work, it’s kind of like Tracy Emin’s early work?! Right?? You enjoy wearing fishnet long sleeved tops on the weekend but have toned it down to just mesh and capes during the working week.You haven’t had a boyfriend since breaking up with kind Kyle in a flury before you went travelling after uni, but think monogamy is an outdated social construct anyway. You own a pet hermit, ironically, because you looove the drugs and love the delightful semi-illegal parties.
Star sign: Sagittarius, just cos.
Her
Looking to find someone you can move in with on date three, nurture your small collection of cacti (the bebe greenhouse as you’ve lovingly dubbed it) and, I dunno, maybe get a cat, light a candle and take some candids on your balcony whilst wearing some dungarees or something. Just spitballing here. If not, you’re content to just post low key nudes on the “thirst traps” community group.
Star sign: Cancer, FYI being needy is not actually a bad thing, everyone needs people, don’t LIE to yourself okay I’m just being honest here.
Happn
You okay hun? Want some help reviving your myspace page and dialling up your internet? Seriously, does anyone actually use this app. I know it’s based around you running into people, but has anyone ACTUALLY EVER walked past someone in a coffee shop/ food market/ tescos and found them on it, plz, the people want to know!
Star sign: Scorpio, it’ll work out if it’s supposed to, just leave it to good ole fate