how to have a hot girl summer
Say “omg guys love you” at any bar/ club / restaurant/ segment of sweaty street with your friends
Alternate between powder to mop up sweat from face and highlighter for Glossier like glow. Am I supposed to be matt or glowing?? Help.
1 x turn underwear inside out to eke them out for another day of no washing
Consider wearing heels “casually” to the pub
Dress up to go out on the prowl with best friend, but lose nerve at bar so end up going home with is a hot box of nuggets and Olivia Rodrigo’s new album blasting into your ears
1 x cycling shorts for chub rub (aka thigh chafe)
Begin every exchange with a new person saying “how lovely it is to get back to normal!!”
Use hand dryer for under boob sweat (subtly) in the office
Hate-order another deliveroo even though you now have an obscene number of recipe books from your “lockdown am I actually the new Nigella??” phase
Regret wearing heels casually to the pub – who INVENTED these death trap cages for my swoll feetsies
You don’t make plans so you can “get your shit together!!”
Spend the weekend watching The Bold Type and looking up every single cast members background and if they have boyfriends/ girlfriends. Shit very much not got together.
Wank thrice on Sunday, tis the day of worship, after all.
Go down a swiping hole on Feeld/ Her/ Hinge.
Despise all the couples who “got together over lockdown!!” HOW.
Have a nap.
Set a budget for essential purchases… but keep adding more money to your Monzo after impulse purchasing an olive tree for room, it felt essential at the time okay. (Can they even grow indoors?).
Have intense sex dream about colleague/ ex / that Italian guy from Eurovision all morphed into one.
Send friend an 8 minute voicenote having ignored their messages for 2 weeks, hope this is a good substitute for human interaction
Feel bad about putting on weight over lockdown, but then remember your worth is NOT linked to your body size and you are a beautiful cherub baby angel with a tummy like a BOTICELLI
Try and book an outdoor swimming session
Get stressed out by weird app booking system for swimming session
Give up and research summer dresses to purchase with money you don’t have
Snog someone you shouldn’t
Stalk your ex on instagram, make sure that they’re looking OKAY but not like, too happy
Decide you want to go OUT OUT, but realise you are not as organised as all the other lockdown heauxs, and everywhere is booked up until October so settle for some wines in the park
Watch four hours of skincare videos to not make any purchases and continue to borrow (steal) the oils/ serums/ creams which housemates have accumulated
Sleep with someone you hope to literally never set eyes on again (vaxxed, waxed and READY for summa BABY)
Stalk your wework crush on Linkedin, does have multiple businesses mean they definitely don’t have time for a girlfriend?? or definitely do have a girlfriend and don’t have time to date? Asking for a friend.
Rinse n repeat till your little lockdown hotgirlsummer heart is content
