Is it you who compulsively deletes and redownloads dating apps depending on your level of loneliness/ horniness once a week, NO surely not I!!! That’s some other betch over there. But if that so happens to you know, maybe be you, hey hi feel free to slide into my DM’s (please). Now’s your chance to find out what your dating app preferences say about you and FINALLY understand what each app’s star sign is.

It seems like kind of a failure to admit that you want someone. That despite all the feminist messaging hitting us over the head on instagram, to spend time with yourself, get to know yourself, to be a boss bitch by yourself, you still somehow aren’t satisfied with it just being, well yourself. And being alone wouldn’t really be a problem, if you didn’t feel like it was a state that you needed to escape from, a limbo period, before meeting someone and your “real life” begins. Ew. Obviously.

A guy I was seeing a couple weeks back – blue eyes, perfect peen, no personality – would respond “wow that’s deep” anytime I brought up anything vaguely rousing or some kind of philosophical/ social/ political debate. But, to me if we’re not talking about your future dreams / weird ass relationship with your mother and how you’ve NEVER got over the fact that your goldfish Parsley died because you overfed it, then WHAT are we even doing here?!?I

Sky was his name on the app. It made me think of summer and 70s dads with moustaches wearing too tight trousers and claiming they were “in the band” when they really just played the tambourine from the audience. He looked hot. Obviously. And was not a weirdo ( or at least didn’t appear to be one) which on a dating app like Feeld is really not a given.