When you go on a kinky dating app and end up on a date with your music teacher
Sky was his name on the app. It made me think of summer and 70s dads with moustaches wearing too tight trousers and claiming they were “in the band” when they really just played the tambourine from the audience. He looked hot. Obviously. And his profile was fairly nondescript. Musician. Runner. Freelance. Which is basically as generic as you can get. But he had a proper square jawline, kind eyes and was not a weirdo ( or at least didn’t appear to be one) which on a dating app like Feeld is really not a given. In the same way that people list they are “big italian eaters”, “love peep show” and “travelling” as your average basic dude always does (cue eye roll into the back of my face/ till the end of time), on Feeld you lead with your desires: friends with benefits, threesome or once, honest to god someone put “condiments”. (I’m as much of a fan as mayo as the next girl, but…. In the bedroom? Really?). The app is what it is, and in some ways is so boldly hedonism seeking that it can feel less seedy than some of the others but conversations can get very weird veeeery quickly, and Sky’s responses were polite, at best, a little uninspired maybe, at worst.
On Feeld you lead with your desires: friends with benefits, threesome or once, honest to god someone once put “condiments”. (I’m as much of a fan as mayo as the next girl, but…. In the bedroom? Really?).
The fact he was a musician appealed. He played in Big Bands (sweet) and I’m a singer in a Jazz Band, so I had vague imaginings of us performing together, going for drinks in the back of red lit basement bars and being a the kind of casual couple who’d always end every dinner party sat round the piano forcing everyone to sing Billy Joel. The dream, basically. He’d asked if he should have his “elbows at the ready” for a “covid appropriate greeting” or not, which again, sweet and unexpected on an app like this, but also definitely didn’t make me think he’d pull me in and kiss me up against a wall. (boo) Damn I miss spontaneous affection. Public service announcement, once we’re all vaccinated, I would like the customary greeting to be a full frontal snog plz and thanks everyone.
I’d told him my name was Charlie and it felt quite fun to have an alter ego that night. Gave me a blanket of safety, like I was wrapped up in a character. No one puts their real name on Feeld, they actually tell you not to. As I walked to the date I kept repeating to myself, a date is just hanging out with a human and seeing if you want to see them again, that’s it. It always calms my nerves. So…. the bar definitely used to be a public toilet. And was kind of centred in the middle of a roundabout – quirky?!? I guess. And even though I’d chosen it, it was nowhere near where I thought it was in Borough Market. It looked kind of old school, art deco design, cigar smoking, whiskey drinking mafiosos would have hung out here in the 50s. As soon as I rounded the corner, John popped up from a bench like a spring and I knew as I eyed my reflection in his gold cap tooth, that I didn’t want to shag him.
He was short, very. And all 6ft and a half of me felt like Big Bertha, a supersized doll at a toy shop swinging down to say hello. The bar was absolutely deserted and with the Covid outdoor rules in full force, you could only sit upstairs on the terrace area, surrounded by the, frankly, main road. The soothing, sensual sounds of car engines, ambulances and bike bells. Did someone say aphrodisiac?
He was short, very. And all 6ft and a half of me felt like Big Bertha, a supersized doll at a toy shop swinging down to say hello.
The date felt like an interview, he asked things like “So where did you attend university?”, “What do you do?” and “Do you have any holidays planned?”. He was nervous and quite twitchy when asking questions, but incredibly intense and still whenever I answered anything. It was mildly unnerving. It wasn’t a tennis match of a conversation, where we’d build on something the other had said in a glorious rally. It felt like we were in a bad play, but each of us had learnt lines from different scenes so were confidently announcing our speeches, but not really ever crossing paths. ! He talked a lot about someone called Tom, who he went on holidays with every year and spoke incredibly fondly of, like you would a partner, highlighting his quirks, what he did for a living and reminiscing on funny memories they’d had. Part of my brain pinged, it sounded like some kind of repressed romantic potential.
He told me that he taught trumpet at a school, and had done for 15 or so years (!) and that was where I realised I recognised him. He was exactly like my school music teacher. Slightly effeminate, a little strange and a big, big nerd. At one point in the date I remember thinking, I have absolutely no idea what I’m saying right now. I felt high almost on the fact that I didn’t give a f•••. I was curious why he was on the app… it didn’t really feel like his energy. He said it had been a friend’s suggestion. I couldn’t help but ask, but “do you want to get married one day?’’. He’s a little older than most people on Feeld and was like this puzzle I wanted to unlock. He looked kind of sad for a second, then said that it hadn’t happened yet and was only getting less and less likely... I felt categorically awful. And even worse, that I definitely didn’t want to snog him. Semi spurred on by guilt and wanting to reassure him, I therefore launched into a full on Ted Talk on the way in which humans enforce timelines to achieve arbitrary things is bizarre and unnecessary and why are you adhering to someone else's timeline for your own life?!
I considered ducking out the back entrance, just so I wouldn’t have to deal with the awkward “goodbye” linger.
Nearing the end of the date in the time where you would usually be planning the next one, or figuring out what days you were both free, the conversation lulled… I didn’t want him to know my schedule! How would I get out of date 2.0 then?! So I just said “now, that was a really delicious drink!” like a Morning TV Presenter after the studio chef has just whipped up a 5-a-day smoothie.
When I went to the bathroom I considered ducking out the back entrance, just so I wouldn’t have to deal with the awkward “goodbye” linger. You know the one, when the date is over and it’s either you kiss, or it was just a weirdly intense friendship meet up with a stranger. I went back up the stairs, deftly launched for the hug and side swiped the kiss. He was going to see Tom. Part of me was tempted to say something to him, help him along the way to maybe seeing the potential in someone he already knew…. But everyone’s on their own timeline, right?