so, does size matter?

Get your head outta the gutter shania, we’re talking feet and inches in the height department. Ever been scrolling on a dating app and zeroed in on someone’s height, before you’ve even looked at their pretty little face? Most people have. Everyone brings their hang ups, insecurities and societal expectations to a dating app, it doesn’t exactly exist in a void. Recently, darling Danny, a random man from Hinge, got me thinking after he messaged saying “you don’t look like you’d be 6ft”.... I was confused folks, real confused. What does someone who looks like 6ft actually look like?? A troll? A tattoo across their forehead saying “me tall, you small, hello good boys, play nice and I will not smother you with my gangly limbs”.  

Growing up I was very insecure about my height, queuing up for school photos, I was always at the back with all the boys, embarrassed by my inability to blend in. I have memories of guys, pimply, braces gleaming slurring to me at parties saying “I’d fancy you if you were shorter”, and that did not make a gal feel good about being 5ft11 at age 14 lemme tell you. Over the last year, I’ve come to embrace it. I wear heels and revel in it, and anyone who says “you’re very tall today!!!”, I simply have no f*** to give sweetie! But where does all the heightist narrative come from in the world of love, sex and dating? I went to the feral/ flirty community to find out.

Men lie on dating apps….

“I’ve often had 5ft 7 men claiming they’re 6ft… ffs. I turn up in heels and got a back ache from stooping.”

Jo, 40

 “I think I’ve probably used every dating app under the sun and I do filter by height. I live in Singapore and I’m 5’10, so even entering any clothing boutique I'll be asked "wow you are so big. How big are you?!". I ended up matching with this one guy on Hinge and he was 6'4 in his profile so we organised drinks. He showed up and was genuinely about the height of Bart Simpson... so I started laughing and said "God are you catfishing me?." And so he said "cmon does height matter? A small Asian can sometimes be spicy for you." And honestly, we had a real big laugh and we're still friends…. 🤣 so I guess I wouldn't be against dating someone short but in Singapore i just feel like some Amazonian woman!”.

Ilma, 25 

It’s a common thing it seems, for men to lie about their height in an app. But, we do have to wonder, why do men feel the need to? Probably because of their own (embarrassing) experiences out and about attempting to seduuuce the opposite sex, or an expectation that women only date taller men. This was definitely reinforced by a couple of the guys I spoke with.

I’ve used every dating app under the sun and I do filter by height because I’m considered very tall in Singapore

Women care about feeling small

“So, I was getting with a girl and we were sat down in a bar at uni… we then stood up to leave and go back to mine. Turns out, she was 6’2, so she left…. I would date someone taller, it doesn’t bother me but I think it’s more of an issue for girls.” 

Ben 26

 “I look at women’s height on dating apps, not because of my own preference but because a woman who is taller than me probably won’t date me… it just seems like a waste of time.” 

Sach, 30

On the flip side, Fiona (25) once dated someone shorter and found it really hot, saying it added an extra element to their dynamic. It really comes down to preference but on a person by person, case by case basis.

Alot of men have had the concept reinforced, that if they’re shorter a taller woman simply won’t be interested. They must appear manly/ larger and more dominant. There’s a fear of rejection around the contentious issue of height for men (and it appears in most cases) quite rightly so! Laila (32), one of the feral/ flirty ladies felt she “wouldn’t mind if a guy is shorter” but that they must be “bigger than me” muscle wise, otherwise she ends up feeling “kind of grotesque”. This is something I can definitely resonate with, but strangely enough the men who have been most bothered about my height, are usually quite tall themselves. Not as it happens, the smaller guys who are quite proud to be with someone a little on the limby side. 

Who’s the man in the relationship?

The incredibly outdated idea of “who's the man in the relationship” even pervades queer relationships. In lesbian partnerships, there’s often expected to be a “butch” and “femme” one and in same-sex male dynamics, a “giver” and “taker” depending on the role each plays sexually. 

So even though we live in a society where it’s becoming increasingly normal to question entrenched gender roles, sexuality, systemic issues, what have you - we’re somehow still going to stick with the narrative that someone needs to be bigger for a relationship dynamic to balance? What if you want to be the big spoon one day and a small spoon the next? I’ve dated guys that are taller, shorter and women that are shorter too, and it’s never bothered me so long as my height hasn’t bothered them. Height is a sore spot for many a point of insecurity, something which is coloured by our childhood experiences growing up whether it’s short, small, fat, thin. And “traditional” relationships depicted in media for sure have a part to play, with couples differing in height often the point of ridicule (cue Sophie Dahl & Jamie Callum memes).

traditional gender roles even pervades queer relationships

We need to let go of these outdated narratives around relationships, because maybe, just maybe that “criteria” you’re going by (university educated, 6ft 1 and over, fluent in Spanish, takes care of plant babies etc.) is actually holding you back from finding someone with a kind of secret sauce you couldn’t have even envisaged? 

At The Sauce, we’re trying to lessen inherent prejudices on dating apps by giving people a medium that allows you to express the nuances of who you are, not just 2D facts, so you can get a little closer to all the random combination of things that builds to an attraction in real life. Download it here and you might just surprise yourself on who you end up meeting…