help! I have an avoidant attachment style

The four attachment styles and how to know which ones you are 

I recently had the realisation that my friends and I all talk like we’ve swallowed a self help/ psychology for dummies book. We talk about our “boundaries” and “triggers”, whilst scoffing pastries, flicking one another with buttery crusts and discussing the “anxious attachment” style of our latest Hinge match over brunch. It’s kind of insufferable, but I also absolutely can’t stop!! So, if you too want to be able to talk like a budget version of Esther Perelle! Look no further my fine feathered friend. 

Secure. Avoidant. Anxious. Disorganised. 

And no, this is not just the four stages of grief you go through after inhaling a pot of pesto pasta, and looking out over the disarray you’ve unleashed on your kitchen, these are in fact the four attachment styles. We all tend to be a mixture of a couple. They’re pretty important because your attachment style impacts your behaviour in romantic and even platonic relationships. Things like (drum roll please) how you deal with emotional intimacy, communicate your emotions and needs or listen to a partner, your expectations about a relationship and the methods you use to deal with conflict (or indeed no methods at all! Just me?! Haha, ok, moving swiftly onwards). As ever, it all begins in childhood and is shaped by the kind of relationship you had with your parents or primary caregiver. You caaan uncover methods to counteract any potential negatives about them though, so have no fear. 

Wondering which attachment style you are and therefore what your morning routine/ dating style and suggested netflix genre look like? Let’s find out.

Secure attachment style 

These mofos have it easy. In relationships their behaviour tends to be low on the avoidance/ anxiety front and they’re comfortable with intimacy. They’re not worried about rejection, abandonment, relying on people or having someone rely on them. Talk about BORING. I JEST. This honestly sounds so healthy and delightful and congrats to you and yours if this is in fact you. 

Morning routine: Wake up, medidate, respond to all of your whatsapp messages from friends in a timely fashion, wish your boyfriend good luck for his job interview to be a zookeeper and artfully nail your poop window, just before you walk out the door.

Dating style: You’ve been with the same guy since you were 14, an old family friend, you think you might get married in the next couple of years. 

Coffee order: Ideally an oat cappuccino, you’re vege, but you’re honestly pretty chill either way if they only have coconut, it’s all breezy baby. 

Where they sit on the tube: You always stand! Gotta leave space for all those pregnant ladies and gorgeous chlorine smelling older folk. 

Suggested netflix genre: Rom com with a strong female lead, ofcourse. 

Avoidant attachment style 

These people value their independence and struggle to rely on others.They’re uncomfortable with closeness and value freedom, and are not worried about their partner’s availability. Wowowow did someone say SEEN? 

Morning routine: BIG run to get out all that juicy energy, quickly turn off your alarm so you don’t have to look at all those unresponded to messages/ DM’s just quietly sitting there like a terrible little green bomb waiting to go off, and have a quick morning wank to get those endorphins going. 

Dating style: Set up four The Sauce dates for Friday night at the same time for efficiency’s sake (someone will inevitably cancel) and cross between compulsively swiping and deleting all your dating apps. 

Coffee order: You bring your own, the barista never gets it quite right. 

Where they sit on the tube: Walk to the end of the platform to get the good seat in the house and maximise the ability to get outta that stuffy tube station and out through the exit RÁPIDO. 

Suggested netflix genre: Inspirational documentary on either some obscure climber or binge watching Squid Game (or whatever everyone happens to be talking about on Twitter). 

[Avoidants] turn off their alarm so they don’t have to look at all those unresponded to messages quietly sitting there like a terrible little green bomb waiting to go off.

Anxious attachment style 

These people have pretty chaotic energy and are plagued by insecurity within their relationship but simultaneously really crave emotional intimacy and are likely to worry about being abandoned, or feel that their partner doesn’t love or value them.  

Morning routine: “Where the f is my “good morning babe” message?!!!” Argue with your housemate about them finishing the milk, then realise it was actually just hidden at the back of the fridge… 

Dating style: Journal about all of your feelings and agonise over why your current girlfriend stayed on at her work drinks instead of coming over at 1AM to hang out… like why?!? Isn’t that kinda suspecho. 

Coffee order: Black coffee, gotta stay alert. 

Where they sit on the tube: You’ve never actually touched the tube with your bare hands, you tend to just hover between the polls. Even pre-covid you were always armed with a bottle of hand sani and some tissues. 

Suggested netflix genre: You don’t really “get” fictional TV/ movies, so tend to stick to nature documentaries or something where you feel like you’re learning something “educational”. 

Disorganised attachment style 

This style is the most difficult to contend with and resolve as an adult. Often formulated from an unstable household dynamic, plagued by abuse or trauma, people with this attachment type can’t really tolerate intimacy and tend to be quite argumentative, whilst also having a lack of empathy and narcissistic tendencies. 

Morning routine: Consider either starting your own business or getting involved in some kinda shady blackmarket thing with your cousin’s friend, selling tamagotchis at extortionate prices. 

Dating style: Happy to “play it by ear” for setting up a date later, you’re casual, sometimes TOO casual. Or sex. Lots of sex. Currently conducting an impassioned love affair with your school maths teacher that none of your friends know about. 

Coffee order: Complicated Starbucks order, three different flavourings, semi skimmed milk, extra hot. 

[Disorganised] daters are happy to play it by ear, they’re casual, sometimes TOO casual

Where they sit on the tube: You aggressively push your way to the front on the platform, you’ll be damned if you’re not going to get a seat on this thing. 

Suggested netflix genre: Reality TV, nothing gets you going more than people misbehaving being their truuue selves. 

So, there it is, now you too can bore your friends, mothers, brothers and potential boyfriends and girlfriends with whatever your attachment style might be and the best way to stroke your hair, ego and manifest tender kisses n cuddles from your future boos. Identifying your own style will help you to figure out if you're compatible with your partner, long-term. Different attachment styles match differently, but if you’re on the anxious and then end up up with someone on the avoidant end of the spectrum for example, the relationship could end up a little bit the nightmare on elm street. But to have an attachment style, you do kinda have to be attached so give The Sauce a go if you’re wanting to dip a toe into the awaiting pond of (anxious/ avoidant/secure/disorganised style) hotties.