what’s so hot about someone not liking you back?
Now, I’m talking about the people that despite being otherwise spoken for send fire emojis to your insta story when you put up a fit photo, send that message out of the blue with a song you love just because they were “thinking of you” and hit you with a 3 minute long voice note all about themselves, after months of no contact. And you forgive them all of this because, well, they’re hot. And they make you feel seen. Validated. Like a drug where you’re just looking for that next hit. People who “love bomb” you, make you feel invincible and then drop you like a hot potata. What I lovingly call, the breadcrumbers.
But why are these bready, crumby people so... hot? What is it that actually makes you chase someone you hooked up with once but is clearly not interested in a relationship or even romanticise those people you’ve never actually even snogged? Is it rom coms doing us dirty and making us believe that all love needs to be valiantly fought for? Or is it something deeper and fundamentally wrong with how we rationalise and yearn for certain behaviour? To go back to the ole attachment styles from last week.
Why is our rational brain up there smoking a cigar, sitting on a balcony sipping a margarita and doing jack s*** I ask you?
Well, I went to the big dogs to find out. That’s right, the internet. And I wasn’t exactly best pleased with what I found out. Here’s the sitch. When you are presented with someone who blows hot and cold, (aka conflicting behaviours) you have a couple of options:
To change your belief e.g. decide they’re not interested and move on
Aim to uncover new information (to sway your opinion either way)
Or finally to downplay the importance of whatever scenario has occurred and move on
The healthy option is numero uno. But most people opt for number 2, which leads to endlessly over analysing interactions, text messages, hugs, arm squeezes, you NAME it, we’re able to over analyse it, two for the price o’ one and we can come up with any kind of counter factual reason for their behaviour, which we then take as “proof” that someone is into you, making it a looot harder to move on. Getting entrenched into a fantasy can really suck. So why do we do it? Why is our rational brain up there smoking a cigar, sitting on a balcony sipping a margarita and doing jack s*** whilst our poor little befuddled brain is in the middle of all this turmoil?
DOPAMINE
We’re chasing that sweet dopamine hit of course! Like an addict at a casino, “pull that lever again son!”. We all love the thrill of the chase. Uncertainty is satisfying in a way that consistency – just ain’t. A crush induces a kind of dopamine vicious cycle, a drug like high when we experience good things from the object of our affection, which we’re then endlessly chasing after. And think about this for a hot minute:
Dopamine levels are higher when uncertainty is at its greatest
Dopamine levels are higher when uncertainty is at its greatest. And that’s intel from a Stanford professor, so they actually know what they’re talking about. That basically means the pay off, the high is even greater when we’re not sure that we’ll be getting it at all. It’s the same way instagram/ twitter newsfeeds work, so your flaky boo is basically just a one person army, feeding the newsfeed of your love addled brain, your own very personal brand of heroin. (I’m pretty sure that’s a twilight quote!! Thank you R pATZ). So mixed signals, in a f***ed kinda way, make you happy, real happy in fact.
So, where do you go from here?
Well, a low key obsessive crush is not the way to a happy, healthy life cats n kittens. Think about how this person actually makes you feel when you’re with them. Excited? Anxious? Nervous? Insecure? If riddled with anxiety is the answer to that question, you probably should start looking to fill up your human-need-tank elsewhere. People sometimes are like puppies and if you’re not directly in their eyeline, like a long forgotten toy, they toss you to the side. Don’t be holding onto someone, that ain’t holding onto you! You are WORTH so much more than that.
How do you get over the breadcrumbers?
Block or mute the hell out of their socials and resist the urge to check in
Don’t message them. (Seriously, don’t)
Focus on Y.O.U baby.
Spend time on what you love, with people that you love and slowly but surely you’ll miss them less and start to feel more like yourself.
And remember kids, carbs are too damn delicious, so don’t waste it on bread crumbs. Find a full bodied, sexy home slice on The Sauce.