It’s getting colder, our nips are getting pointier and omicron is making us want to omicry!! But one thing that will remain, without fail, for the duration of all these trials and tribulations? A constant, in a world of uncertainty...ghosting. The haunting feel of the double tick, the “seen” greyed out wording thrumming in your face. It makes you want to spoon out your own insides. Social media and yes, dating apps too, definitely have a part to play in the lack of accountability we have for other humans’ emotions. Everyone’s disposable in a digital world. It’s made us all so damn casual about being ruthless.

The friend zone. You can hear those words in the deep, gravelly tones of Morgan Freeman’s voice echoing around your tiny, little brain. It’s the place nobody wants to be, because when you’re in the friendzone, it’s a solo kinda zone…. It means that one person has feelings for somebody that has their literal tongue down the throat of Kat from the lacrosse team and you’re standing watching them in the kitchen at a house party, whilst making your way through the family sized pack of kettle crisps, plotting your revenge, ya know. (too specific??)

I had a theory that we develop the ick when our attraction for someone has already started to wane. And the “ick” element we’ve zoned in on becomes the perfect fall guy, the reason why we simply CANNOT be touched / hand held/ sniffed by our beloved. Beyond the more pivotal reasons that we tend to break up with people like different priorities, moral codes, a preference for real life murder documentary series over romcoms etc. My theory about attraction wasn’t far off but turns out the smaller ‘ick’ things are kind of linked to the bigger ones too.

Having sex on the first date can be hot, it’s all new and passionate and fumbley but in a gorgeously awkward way. Discovering someone’s body can just feel like a great extension of the intimacies you’ve already exchanged about your childhood pet fish Parsley, whilst delightfully stripping each other off. Most of the feral/flirty community shared the sentiment of: FUCK yes! Try before you buy!! And with all of this ringing in my ears, I went on a pretty successful (translated – sexy) first date this week. And found out what happens when someone’s idea of you collides with who you actually are.

Now, I’m talking about the people that despite being otherwise spoken for send fire emojis to your insta story, hit you with a 3 minute long voice note all about themselves, after months of no contact. And you forgive them all of this because they make you feel seen. Validated. Like a drug where you’re just looking for that next hit. What I lovingly call, the breadcrumbers.

My friends and I all talk like we’ve swallowed a self help/ psychology for dummies book. We talk about our “boundaries” and “triggers”, whilst scoffing pastries, flicking one another with buttery crusts. So, if you too want to be able to talk like a budget version of Esther Perelle! Look no further my fine feathered friend.