It seems like kind of a failure to admit that you want someone. That despite all the feminist messaging hitting us over the head on instagram, to spend time with yourself, get to know yourself, to be a boss bitch by yourself, you still somehow aren’t satisfied with it just being, well yourself. And being alone wouldn’t really be a problem, if you didn’t feel like it was a state that you needed to escape from, a limbo period, before meeting someone and your “real life” begins. Ew. Obviously.

A guy I was seeing a couple weeks back – blue eyes, perfect peen, no personality – would respond “wow that’s deep” anytime I brought up anything vaguely rousing or some kind of philosophical/ social/ political debate. But, to me if we’re not talking about your future dreams / weird ass relationship with your mother and how you’ve NEVER got over the fact that your goldfish Parsley died because you overfed it, then WHAT are we even doing here?!?I

Getting this text from my best friend at 8pm on a Saturday night, woken up from a nap and ordered an obscene amount of Indian food to be deliverooed, I was feeling a little unsure whether I was in fact, quite “ready to party.” But, this being the summer of yes. I rallied, peeled my PJ’s off, threw on my gold silk shirt and some eyeliner and hustled my way into town. 

So, here’s the thing about being a QuEeR girl you spend honestly about 80% of your life wondering, okay is this a new FrIeNd or are we going to snog at the end of this COFFEE/ HANG OUT/ LONG LUNCH/ ACCIDENTAL SLEEPOVER. Because really, you never know until you know. Surreptitiously bringing up that you’re into girls is a pretty sure fire way of at least assessing if you’re both on the same page attraction wise, but even then it can feel like a weird card game, where half the stack is missing and the other half has been set on fire. You heteros don’t know how easy you’ve got it.

The morning after. It’s always a weird one. Especially if it’s the first time you’ve hooked up with somebody. Do you spoon? (Y/N) Do you sleep? (Y/N) Personally for me, it’s always a big fat no, I’m so hyper aware of being next to somebody I’m terrified that I will either slap them in the night / fart when I fall asleep / get thirsty and be unable to crawl over their stock still body that I will actually die of thirst, staring at the hundreds of glasses of water, gleaming on their bedside table.

Sky was his name on the app. It made me think of summer and 70s dads with moustaches wearing too tight trousers and claiming they were “in the band” when they really just played the tambourine from the audience. He looked hot. Obviously. And was not a weirdo ( or at least didn’t appear to be one) which on a dating app like Feeld is really not a given.